A letter to my mother

It’s 10:03pm on May 11, 2013…the night before Mother’s Day.

I sit here in my room, nearly paralyzed with panic as I realize that I still haven’t managed to put any of my fabulous Mother’s Day gift ideas together and now I won’t have anything to wrap in pretty paper for you tomorrow. I really did have some great ideas. Unfortunately all of my ideas involved creative, crafty projects which never even made it out of their conceptual stages. Perhaps someday they will. I hope so, because I think you’d like them.

But for now, I’ve decided to refuse to let my gift failure sabotage this opportunity to let you know you are loved by your daughter. Truly, truly loved. Oh, how I wish I could find the words to do justice to what is in my heart. I’m afraid they simply don’t exist in the English language. Here’s the best that I can do:

Among all the blessings that the Lord has given to me, I’m not sure there is anything greater than the privilege of being your daughter. The roles you have played in my life continue to grow and multiply. Life-giver. Nurturer. Teacher. Disciplinarian. Mentor. Role-model. Listening ear. Shoulder for crying. Cheerleader. Intercessor. Counselor. Encourager. Partner. Friend.

Now as I raise 3 daughters of my own, I don’t know what I would do without you and your ever-present and ever-available help. No, actually, I’m pretty sure I do know what I’d do. I think I’d just fall apart. You continue to give of yourself tirelessly and unselfishly. You raised your own 5 kids, homeschooling us all and surviving every challenge we tossed at you. I remember all too well my own junior high years. I didn’t make it easy for you. But you continue to pour yourself out and have thrown yourself into helping me climb this mountain of raising 3 more girls. Oh, to be half the woman you are. As I see you daily giving of yourself, I am reminded that with the Lord’s help, I too can continue this race.

So thank you. Thank you for being the woman I aspire to be. Thank you for being flawed and human and for being willing to let me see that so I can also see you letting the Lord be your strength in weakness. Thank you for loving me. For loving my daughters. And for giving so many things up for us. And for showing all of us the highest standard of what a mother can be. You are my hero.

Happy Mother's Day!

P.S. I really wanted to include a great picture of just the two of us in this post, but can’t remember the last time we took one like that. Let’s do that again soon.

Life at home

It's been so long since I've posted and I'm so sorry! Yes, it's true...Ada, Kaiya, and I are safely back at home with Mati, Nana, and Papa. And yes, we are doing well. However, please don't mistake me by thinking that life is easy. It is anything but. All 3 of my girls are doing far better than I dared to hope they would and we are slowly but surely becoming family and learning to love each other well. But this is HARD!!  

It's emotionally draining to try to be the Mommy that Mati needs me to be as she learns to share not only her things but also my attention and love. She's such a precious, joyful, and remarkable little girl, but her whole world is being shaken right now and she's struggling to figure out where she belongs in the middle of all of the changes. And though she's amazingly articulate for her age, it's very difficult for a 3 year old to communicate with sisters who speak another language, especially when emotions and stress are high. Please pray for her.

It's intellectually draining to communicate daily with my daughters who are working hard to learn English, but are still far from fluent. Every time they speak to me or I speak to them, we are all reaching into our brains for words that still don't come naturally. I reach for the French (or occasionally Lingala) words that I've managed to learn. They reach for the English words that are still so foreign to their tongues, but are slowly becoming easier. There are still so many times when they try hard to communicate something to me and I just don't understand. It's frustrating and exhausting for all of us.

It's physically draining to keep up with all 3 of them each day. And while the Lord has been so gracious in blessing me with a body that generally does what it's supposed to without too much complaint, I can see the effects of the last few months of strain. The nerve pain from the shingles on my right shoulder still persists occasionally, though it's mild. It seems to start to fade, but a particularly stressful or difficult day will bring it tingling back. Praying that it's completely resolved soon.

It feels like we've been home for several weeks now, and I frequently start to freak out about all the things I need to do and decisions I need to make. File my taxes, start the final process of making the girls US citizens, figure out what to do about the girls' educations, get into some semblance of a routine here at home, get the girls to a dentist, and the list goes on...and on...and on... Oh, and I start back at work next week. Whew!! I have to continue to remind myself that we've only been home 2 weeks. It's ok that I don't have all my ducks in a row. It's ok that we're still adjusting. It's ok that we don't have a formalized school schedule. And if their "English teacher" is occasionally a Disney movie, that's ok too. Somehow, we will survive all of this. And someday, this life will feel "normal."

In the meantime, if you call and I don't answer or return your call, or if you email or text and I don't respond, please forgive me and grant me a little extra grace. Every one of the challenges we're facing are worth the end result, and I wouldn't go back to do anything differently if I had the option, but I'm mostly just staying trying to tread water right now. When I'm back to swimming laps (like I ever really was!), I'll try to reconnect with you. :)

Lest you think that we're all drowning in our tears and self-pity, here are a few pictures (those of you on Facebook have probably already seen them) that suggest otherwise.

Proud Mama

I'd like to take the opportunity to brag about my girls. Before I do, for those of you wondering, yes, I'm still in the DRC with Ada & Kaiya, waiting for the final clearance to bring them home. We have a couple more steps before we'll be able to head home, which equates to maybe another 3-4 weeks here. Ok, back to bragging.

So I'm convinced that I seriously have 3 of the most amazing girls in the world as my daughters. I'm so blessed. Please don't be tempted to think that my girls are "lucky" to have been adopted into the Heller family. It's true...my family is amazing. But my girls only add to the awesomeness that is our family. :) And truly...I'm the lucky one.

So...do you want to know some of the things that make them so amazing? Allow me to tell you.

They share with each other. No big deal? Try putting yourself in the shoes of a child who spent the first few years of their life without anything to call their own. And they don't just share things that they don't care about. They share things that are precious to them. Things like food. Yes, this is a huge deal. And this is not just Ada and Kaiya I'm talking about. My sweet Mati, who has been an only child for the last 3 years, has exchanged her "only child syndrome" for the joy of being a sister. When I was leaving to come here, she went through her possessions and brought me "treasures" to take and give to her sisters. With each item she brought me, she gave me strict instructions to make sure her sisters knew these things were from her.

They entertain themselves and each other (I'm specifically referring to Ada and Kaiya here...Mati's only 3 - give her a break on this one). A few days ago, we spent the entire day out and about, trying to get some things accomplished in our journey to come home. And the girls spent no less than 3 hours sitting with me on a concrete wall, outside, in something like 85 degree weather, waiting for a meeting to finish. They chattered to me, to each other, sang songs, drew random scribbles on pieces of scrap paper, had no real lunch, went for hours without water (I had way under-estimated the amount to bring for that day) or a toilet, and the whining/complaining were seriously minimal and short-lived. I was probably more irritable than they were. I praised them to the skies for their behavior that day. And bought them ice cream the next day as a reward. The totally deserved it.

They are kind (usually). Ada and Kaiya notice when I give them more food than I give myself, or give them special treats, but don't take any for myself. And they offer theirs to me. When were were all "dying" of thirst the other day, I bought sodas from a street seller for both girls, but not for myself (soda didn't sound the least bit satisfying at the moment). Ada insisted that I drink half of hers. And when Mati went into her Sunday School class a couple months ago, she noticed that there was a little boy who was crying. The workers had tried to comfort him, but he had been inconsolable. Mati went and sat herself down with him and made it her mission to cheer him up. I had more than one worker telling me how precious she was.

They are sacrificial. Our family and friends have all sacrificed a great deal throughout this adoption journey. Money, time, energy, prayers. My girls are no different. To become a part of our family, Ada and Kaiya are sacrificing the only culture and language they have ever known. Ok fine, the only 2 languages they have ever known. They are leaving behind all that is familiar. They will no longer eat their favorite foods (I'm simply not talented enough to make foofoo...sorry!). They will never again see their friends. The will not smell their favorite smells or see the sights that they have grown up knowing. Yes, they will gain a family and many other sweet blessings. But that should not diminish the realization of all that they are sacrificing. Mati has sacrificed having her mother with her for this time I am here in the DRC. It will likely be more than 2 months total absence by the time I return to her. And she has done this generously. Yes, she is more than well cared for by Nana and Papa in my absence and this eases the separation. But she has sacrificed much for her sisters. She told me on Skype yesterday, "Mommy, bringing my sisters home is HARD." She's not wrong. It's hard for all of us. But in the end, it will also be GOOD.

I could go on for a while. There are so many amazing things I would love to tell you about my daughters. But at least this is a little bit of why I am so blessed to be their mother.

Praying, Playing, and Practicing Patience

And there's my alliteration for today. Hope you enjoy. :)

But yes, that's what our lives are filled with for now. We've been here just over 3 weeks, and to be honest, we probably have a good 4 weeks left before we'll be able to head home. Being here is not bad. In fact, most days it's really good! I'm learning more French (but please don't to converse with me...it won't work), and the girls are learning more English (please do try to converse with them when you're given the opportunity!). We're also learning what it means to be family, which is invaluable. We have many ups and downs...and sometimes the downs are REALLY low. But every day I see new growth and the hand of the Lord at work.

The girls are learning that having a mother doesn't mean they will get everything their little hearts desire. This lesson is a particularly difficult one, so I no longer take them with me when I go to the market. And all of us are happier for it.

I'm learning to pick and choose my battles. A lot of things that I'd really like to pick on, I'm letting slide. There will be plenty of time to deal with the little things later, when there isn't such a language barrier to hurdle. To behavior that is unacceptable, but that is done in a playful and joking manner and mostly likely simply out of ignorance to social rules, I'm learning to respond jokingly and playfully as I provide correction. I'm totally a rule-follower at heart and there are days when I'm stretched to the limit as I let minor rule after minor rule be broken and focus solely on the ones that need to be addressed now. After years of being in an orphanage, I cannot expect my girls to automatically know how to act as part of a family again.

You know the beautiful and amazing thing? They are responding! They are learning! And they are changing. :) They are learning what it means to be daughters. What it means to be sisters. And eventually they will learn what it means to be granddaughters, great-granddaughters, nieces, cousins, and friends. They are also learning that discipline does not need to be harsh. That I still love them, even when meting out consequences for poor choices. And yes...all of this is very good. More and more I believe this bonding and learning together is probably the biggest reason the Lord brought me here early. And though I really am in a hurry to get home, I am trying hard not to rush the things the Lord is doing in us here. 

Our Christmas Tree

And really, my hurry to get home is not getting us anywhere. After 2 weeks of waiting, Kaiya's adoption was finally signed. Now, after another week of waiting, her new birth certificate is supposed to be ready to be picked up on Monday (it was originally supposed to be ready this past Monday, then Wednesday, then Thursday...). The birth certificate is the last item needed before her passport can be issued. From what I understand, her passport is basically just hanging out, waiting for this precious piece of paper. If we can submit the birth certificate on Monday (assuming it actually IS ready then), we should be able to get the picture for her passport taken on Tuesday and then perhaps even pick up that precious little booklet on Wednesday or Thursday. As soon as that passport is in hand, it's over to the US Embassy for me to drop off all the documentation for her US visa. After that, it could be a couple more weeks of waiting for the Embassy to do their investigation and issue her visa. And then maybe another week of waiting for the Congolese immigration office to issue exit permits for both girls. And then we're on a plane, heading back to home sweet home!

Thank you for your continued prayers. We desperately need them! While life here is good, it's also hard. And expensive! For those reasons alone, I hope we run into no more delays. Of course, I also have a precious 3 year old who's missing Mommy, not to mention how desperately I'm missing her and the rest of our family and friends at home. Please pray that we will cherish the days we have here and that the Lord will do what He wants/needs to in us while we're here. But if you also feel led to beg for His merciful hand to bring us home quickly, my heart continues to long for that as well.